No Warmth From A Cold Shoulder

Part One of Three


"How did it start? How and why did it start? I'm not a hundred percent, but I rather think it was a joke... No, not joke, more like a... a prank. Helen was serving dinner. We were sat around the table, and she asked me something to which I didn't answer for whatever reason... maybe we'd been a little tetchy that day - it wasn't exactly unusual by then - but anyway she asked me again and I... I ummm decided to ignore her. For the whole meal. I mean, she wasn't happy about it, no, no... but I seem to remember her saying that two could play at that game. Well, it turned out that that was far from true. There was only one player, one champion of this particular contest. Its rather sad I suppose... So, yes, so after the meal I don't know what occurred to me really it just seemed.... I just decided to see exactly how long I could ignore her for. Well ignore them, actually, because you see there was Annie as well. She must have been about three back then. All I'll say is that it was an unfortunate feature of the whole thing that Annie had to have her daddy's attention withdrawn but you see, I could't fully ignore Helen if I allowed Annie to become common ground for us. So if you don't mind I'll say no more about her... I find it quite upsetting, thank you. Where was I? Oh, the beginning... yes... so I remember having seen a bit of an episode of that awful cartoon Beavis and Butthead the week before and they had decided to see how long they could go without urinating... for absolutely no reason that I could fathom. I suppose that that's what I did, in a way. Just decided to see how long I could go without acknowledging her... You see, when I say ignore I mean ignore fully. I acted as if she wasn't there. When she spoke to me I wouldn't look at her, and if I needed to look in her direction, like when she would stand in front of the television for hours over the first few days, well I just looked at where the tv would be if she weren't.... It took three days before she first struck me and, I can tell you, she had quite a punch for such a small woman. That took a lot of determination and resolve to ignore. Luckily I remembered a bit about boxing from my days in the navy so I rolled with the blows, you see, and sort of rode them and then just carried on with whatever I was doing. I think what really surprised me was that she didn't think of really hurting me until the day she finally left. I'm very thankful, actually, because what she did was to kick me in the privates and then she turned on her heel and took off without a second glance. I mean, I'd challenge any man to take a powerful kick there without at the very least curling up a little. Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. Between day three and day eight, when they finally walked out, I developed patterns not of behaviour I don't think,more of adaption, and self-protection. I rose, ate and used the bathroom an hour later than usual allowing myself to live the day as though living alone. It became almost relaxing. I don't recall ever having been so, I'm not sure how to put this, meditative? Yes, the act of denying her my attention was meditative. I felt a different person. Marvellous. Part of me almost thinks it was like the calm before the storm. There have been a lot of storms since. A lot. So, a lot of attendent periods of calm also. And so life goes. She tried hitting me a few times after the initial attack but I always managed to duck or weave out of the way. That used to drive her into an almighty bait and I often wished I could take pleasure in that but one of the conditions, seemingly, of living with that beautiful calm was a curtailing of any extremes of mood. I didn't mind. The first storm that was sent for me to weather came when Helen's two brothers came to visit. How those two joined, then remained, in the force is a mystery to me. Neville, the shorter and younger, had been in the SPG briefly and was no more than a thug. I remember Helen telling me, years before, that he used to set fire to cat's tails when he was about eleven. A borderline psychopath, that one there. George was one of those men who looked like a C.I.D. sergent from the age of two. He was a big raw slab of a man, with unremarkable features and a pair of steady eyes that hid the fact that he was always on the take, always looking for an opportunity to sucker-punch someone. 'Slow to rile, slower to calm down', thats what his family used to say about him, like it made them proud. Well they'd have been proud of him the day he and little Nev came to visit. I know Helen was, she was almost applauding when they gave me a couple of punches. I didn't mind, though, because it was a sign that the end was near. I hadn't even thought that far forward, which is the strange thing. Can you imagine that? I hadn't bothered to think, or to see I should say, that there had to be a consequence to what I was doing. I was so focused on the actuality of each moment that I hadn't considered us splitting up right up until the time she got her brothers to beat me up. The one thing I'll never forgive Helen for is this - she allowed my Annie to watch all of it. The beating. Not like Annie wanted to, but you know how it is with children when they see something shocking or just new or they're scared and can't look away... She saw Annie watching through the hatch and did...... nothing. I hope she dies in misery and squalour and pain for that. My Annie... So. They left. I carried on as before but without the family. I didn't live any differently. I men, I didn't suddenly start going to night clubs or casino's, or let the place get messy, or go on blind dates. I just did what I always did, but did it alone. Did I miss them? I didn't think to. I suppose if I'd let myself think about it I'd get upset so I never thought of it, really. Well, after a while work started to get a bit awkward and I fell out with a few people i'd known for years. People change, don't they? Maybe they changed at the same time because of working there so long. Strange. But I found the process quite soothing, so obviously there was a pattern, but I didn't see that at the time, not until quite recently actually. Anyway, life marches on, and so I ended up leaving the company, quite a decent pay-off I got, but then I'd been there for absolutely ages so... Yes, so I decided to sell the house, and I put half of the money into an account for Annie, well I wouldn't give it to the witch, you see, because she walked out of the house of her own free will, whereas Annie was as much a victim in all of this as myself. Do you know, I felt a real shift in my life when that house was sold. It was freedom, you see, freedom and no responsibility, and no direction, and it was bliss. I moved around, made friends and lost friends, really saw life from the heights to the depths. Actually, this past couple of years more depths than anything else. But thats life, isn't it? Completely random. Purely coincidentally, I've actually been feeling rather low these past two years. I've almost felt alone, and it got to the point where I was really fed up with the damned bad luck I seem to have in choosing who to invest my friendship with. Virtually each and every person to who I've stretched out the hand of friendship has ended up proving to be less than deserving... Not one of them do I still speak to today, as I stand before you. Amazing. Awful luck. And you? Who can tell whether or not we'll remain friends, eh? So, where was I.... So I went into a church one day, as much for a change of scenery than anything else, because I am first and foremost an atheist. Anyway, I got chatting to this man, very quietly of course; it seemed the done thing. He was very interested in my life, and quite sad to hear of my emotional travails. It was he who recommended that I focus on animals because, you see, he said that mans relationship with animals is an altogether simpler thing and might therefore be a good place to start in building up my confidence once more, and help me to see things with fresh eyes. So here I am. I chose the bear because I used to be a keen astronomer as a child, and Ursa major was my favourite constellation. I've been coming down here every day for the past two weeks, and chatting to her whenever no-one is around... And so to today, and the business in hand... Now, if all goes well I should be back in half an hour so see you then